I am frustrated at my lack of progress with Camel Pose. My yoga instructor encourages me to listen to my body. But how can I listen to my body when my mind is busy worrying about what the workday will bring, what awful act will another human being do to another human being today. Once again my PTSD and anxiety kills any type of relaxation the yoga class has given me. “What brings you joy? What relaxes you?” My sage yoga instructor asks. Good questions, I think. What brings me joy? What relaxes me? Music. Music that speaks to my heart and soul I answer. “Then bring music to your practice. Your yoga practice is about you, not about proper technique. Incorporate the music that makes you feel happy into your private yoga practice and direct that positive energy into your Heart Chakra. By opening your heart, you’ll experience the lightness that you need to get through the hard times.”
I wake up from a restless sleep anxious and frustrated with my progress, or the lack of progress I should say. Insomnia and restless sleep is the norm for my nights. PTSD coupled with anxiety is not the best recipe for a restful sleep after all. Breathe in, breathe out, I tell myself as I swing my right foot followed by my left foot out of bed at four in the morning and get on my yoga mat. I can’t sleep any way.
Mountain Pose, Upward Salute to Forward Bend. Repeat. Breathe in, breathe out, let go. Nothing is happening. I can’t let go. Why is it so hard?
A haunting female voice begins singing. “Focus, fire a gun when you need someone to lean on…”
Instantly images of my family flood my mind and a warmth enters my heart while I
listen to the message of the song. Love is the message and my heart gets the information loud and clear. The song, the words, the voice, help me make sense of what I cannot let go of. I cannot let go of the fact that I need help and emotional support for my PTSD and anxiety.
And I’m not alone. I was never alone. My family, friends, and all the beautiful souls in my life are always there to support me and get me through the traumatic experiences so I can be strong for the next evitable horror I will professionally have to deal with.
Kneeling on my mat, I get my body and mind ready for Camel Pose. Breathe in, breathe out.
“Focus, fire a gun when you need someone to lean on…”
Focus. Focus on the love in my life. Focus when you need someone to lean on.
If you are suffering symptoms of anxiety, depression, PTSD, know that you are not alone. Reached out for support during tough times.